Just thought I would do a bit of an update, things haven't really been going that well. I seem to be really struggling to get back into proper training, severe lack of mojo there. I keep asking myself why, why don't I enjoy training, why don't I enjoy racing that much at the moment, why did I not just get through the Bastion come hell or high water.
I think it all stems from the build up to the Bastion and then ultimately a massive failure, I was tired but had put in some good training and racing and come race day I was full of joy as well as looking forward to the challenge of the race. The Bastion was going well until I started running, I went from feeling fit and healthy to having chronic back pain for a few weeks. Pulling out of the Bastion seemed to cripple me mentally and I am still struggling with that a bit I think, I keep asking myself "what went so wrong?" I still don't really know the answer to this though hopefully on the way to sorting out the back.
Now having a break from training and then a family holiday doesn't really get your mind back into the mood of full on training but I had hoped that after the Gauntlet at Castle Howard I might start being more enthusiastic. Getting a cold right after the race hindered training yet again and then with another easy week after the cold had subsided meant 4 weeks with no real sustained training. I have sort of switched off mentally at the moment and whilst I will do my sessions there is just no real enjoyment of them in the main. Swimming is actually the one I still enjoy, but I am swimming with friends normally and this makes the sessions more fun and social.
That might point in the direction of the source of the problem, virtually all my training is solo and whilst I think this is by far the best way to train, there is that social factor that makes training a little bit more fun that is missing. I think it says something when you get more enjoyment out of helping at a triathlon than you do racing it.
Things came to a head when I had a disagreement with Darren over some training, issues that I should have discussed weeks ago came out. Not ideal at this point in the training year, but when you are feeling down I suppose timing is not at the forefront of your mind. All in all a silly thing, but I suppose it was the straw that broke the camels back. If you are not enjoying something I suppose it doesn't take much to flick a switch.
This unfortunately made me even more peeved with training and with IM Wales only 5 weeks away it seems as though I may have just taken on too much this year. 2016 was supposed to be all about having fun and trying to enjoy my training and racing as a lot of my cycling and triathlon friends do. All I have done is made myself more depressed with the whole thing and it is starting to transfer to my every day life. In doing this sport and the training involved for an long distance triathlon I have sacrificed a lot of family time and at times I am selfish which can't be that pleasent for Heather and Killian. I keep asking why should they suffer my tiredness, grumpiness and general unhappiness just for my own goals in life, they have been the most supportive family I could ask for but there has to be a point where the work, family, training, racing balance is more towards the family. My head says forget IM Wales but my heart says that just isn't an option. I will go to Tenby and do IM Wales and hopefully by then I will be in a better mental state to at least enjoy the day if nothing else.
My real aim of IM Wales was to try and qualify for Kona, given how I currently feel that is out of the window and the real aim is just to do the best I can and try and enjoy the day and the atmosphere which I have been told is fantastic. I have been asked why I am trying to qualify for Kona, and what is my driving force, in all honesty I can't say why. I wouldn't call myself a typical Type A person so not overly driven by success. Don't get me wrong I like doing well in races, but I don't need to compete to satisfy me and I have no real need to get to Kona. I guess I am attempting to do something that 10 years ago I wouldn't have even dreamed of, when I was obese and not that interested in endurance sports.
Things do seem to picking up though, the training mojo is starting to show it's head again so things should be OK. Before IM Wales I have a lovely weekend in France planned for the Gauntlet at Chateau de Chantilly, that will be a fun event around friends and family, that should get me excited about racing again.
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